Today I went to work, and I gave myself an escape hatch.  I normally don’t.  I habitually suffer through or fight or freeze when it comes to extreme challenges or high drama at work.  I don’t normally take flight.  Today I gave myself that option, and it was liberating.

 What was different about today?  Maybe that I was responsible for more than my own well-being.  Perhaps it was the fact that I spent time running through all the terrible things that could happen and realized that one of the responses could simply be to just stop and leave the room.

I had a difficult meeting planned with lots of opportunity for stakeholders to derail the conversation and for things to go terribly wrong.  I worried about my colleague, and I worried about myself.  So much could go wrong, and I didn’t feel like I would have much control over outcomes.  I talked it over with friends and my sister last night, and I finally decided that it would be ok to just end the meeting if things went so completely off kilter.  It was a relief last night to know that I really could control the situation, and I was able to get a good night’s sleep.  The old version of this would have me staring at the ceiling assessing whether my anxiety attack at 2:00 AM was worth a trip to the emergency room.  Would I wake up alive?  Would worrying about this issue kill me?

 This morning, yes, I had anxiety, but knowing that I had an escape plan or parachute really did help.  I was able to focus on my other tasks; I didn’t suffer from the normal chest tightening and stomach roiling that would normally be omni-present throughout the day.  Just knowing my escape hatch was ready and available – like swimming with a life preserver – meant I was safe and, maybe even, empowered.

 It sounds like a small thing, but I recognize now that it gave me the space to listen to the people talking in the room.  I wasn’t afraid of what could be brought up because I knew that I had planned a safety net for my colleague and myself.

 It was small, it was simple, and I didn’t even need to use it.  

It also helped that I had the song Hamster on a Piano stuck in my head and used it as my mantra whenever the nerves started to fray. 

Every little bit helps, right?

As ever,

K. Quinn